Fifteen Days Without a Head Read online

  I crouch down next to Jay. ‘Just one last time, I promise. Please, Jay.’

  Jay frowns and chews his lip. ‘You have to buy me some Pokémon cards.’

  ‘OK.’ I can’t afford a packet of Pokémon cards, but what’s one more lie?

  There’s already somebody in the phone box, but it’s all right, we’ve got a few minutes.

  Then I see who it is.

  Bartman registers us at the same time. For a fraction of a second he looks surprised, maybe even a little scared, and then he smirks. I’m just debating whether to wait, or give up and go back to the flat, when he finishes his call and puts the receiver back onto the cradle. We wait for him to come out, but he just stands there in the box with his arms folded, staring at us.

  I step forward and shout through the glass. ‘Excuse me, but if you’ve finished, I need to use the phone.’

  ‘Really? That’s a shame,’ he shouts back.

  ‘What’s he doing?’ says Jay.

  ‘He won’t come out.’

  Jay walks over and tries to open the door, but it’s too heavy for him. So he bangs on the glass. For a moment Bartman looks worried, then when he sees that Jay can’t get to him, he starts to laugh.

  ‘We need to use the phone,’ shouts Jay, pointing.

  Bartman shakes his head.

  Jay bangs on the glass again, harder this time. ‘It’s important!’ he shouts, no doubt seeing the chances of another pack of Pokémon cards slipping away.

  Bartman shrugs.

  Jay growls and kicks the door … then bursts into tears.

  Bartman thinks this is hilarious, until two blokes walk past and give him a funny look. Jay is now pounding the walls of the phone box, screaming: ‘Get out! Get out!’

  Inside, Bartman is starting to look uncomfortable. Jay’s got him cornered, he’s probably too scared to come out now.

  I step forward and lift Jay out of the way, still kicking and shouting.

  Bartman looks at me, then opens the door, keeping his eyes fixed on Jay. ‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to make him cry.’

  I don’t say anything, just shake my head and step into the phone box. Once the door is closed, I put Jay down. ‘You OK?’

  Jay’s red, tear-stained face looks up at me and grins. ‘Got rid of him, didn’t we!’

  I laugh as I dial the number for Radio Ham. After all that, I hope we’re not too late.

  It rings for ages before somebody picks up.

  ‘Hello! It’s Daniel Roach, for Baz’s Bedtime Bonanza.’

  ‘Hello?’

  ‘Hello—it’s Daniel Roach. I’m a contestant on Baz’s Bedtime Bonanza—the quiz. Sorry, I’m a bit late.’

  There’s a pause, then a voice I don’t recognize. A very old voice, cracked and distant. ‘Who do you want, dear?’

  ‘It’s OK, sorry. Wrong number.’

  ‘Is that Bill?’

  ‘No, it’s Laur—Daniel … I’ve got to go, sorry!’ I put the phone down and feel terrible.

  ‘Who was that?’ says Jay.

  I shake my head and start to dial again, then stop—my fingers hovering over the characters etched into the keypad, but gone from my brain. I’ve forgotten the number. I put the receiver back onto the cradle and take a breath. Calm down. You know it. You dial it every night. Except I don’t—my fingers just know where to go—at least they did until now.

  A cold line of sweat trickles down my spine.

  Don’t think. Just do it.

  I pick up the phone and dial.

  ‘Hello? Bill? Is that you?’

  I slam the phone down and scream. It rings almost immediately, making me jump.

  ‘Hello?’ I say, expecting the old lady to still be on the line.

  ‘Hi, this is Cheryl from Radio Ham, I’m looking for Daniel Roach?’

  ‘Cheryl, hi, it’s Daniel,’ I say, remembering my accent just in time.

  ‘Hi, Dan! Sorry, that didn’t sound like you just now!’

  ‘Sorry, um … I was eating!’

  ‘Oh, OK—are you ready to go on? Only the quiz is about to start.’

  ‘Yeah. I’ve been trying to ring—I couldn’t get through.’

  ‘Not to worry. I thought I’d better call you. We couldn’t start without our champion.’

  Ten minutes later I’m walking back along the Parade with Jay, and I can’t stop grinning. I’m through to the next round. After the shaky start, everything went really well. Maybe I relaxed because I didn’t care. I got one wrong, but the challenger was useless, so I won anyway.

  It sounds stupid, but it almost feels like I can’t lose. As though I’m meant to win that holiday for Mum. Like a sign—telling me not to give up, because there’s still hope, there’s still me and Jay. Without Jay I’d have given up tonight. Just walked away.

  I put my arm round his shoulders as we climb the steps back up to the Heights. ‘Thanks for your help tonight. I couldn’t have done it without you.’

  Jay shrugs. ‘That’s OK. You can buy me some Pokémon cards tomorrow.’

  ‘Yeah!’ I laugh. ‘I suppose I better had.’

  I chew the end of the biro. The letter still doesn’t sound right, but it’s taken me an hour to get this far. I don’t like Please don’t inform the authorities—it sounds scared, plus I don’t like begging Nelly. But maybe that’s what I need to do. Make Nelly feel like she’s in control, that she has power over us—she’ll love that. I add a line in, before the begging bit: You are right, I should not leave the boys on their own in the flat, but Laurence is normally very good at looking after Jay. I have told him to be more careful.

  I write it all out again and fake Mum’s signature at the bottom—I’ve done it loads of times on letters to school that Mum was too drunk to sign. I’m still not sure it’s going to work, but I don’t know what else to do.

  We haven’t got any envelopes, so I fold the paper in half and write Mrs Ellison on one side, then slip it inside the building society book on Mum’s dressing table. Luckily the book dried out OK. Some of the ink has run and the edges of the pages are a bit wrinkly, but it survived. This is good, because I need it for Part One of The Great Plan: Getting Some Money. And if Mum needs to be there to take the money out, then Mum will just have to be there.

  The skirt doesn’t look too bad, but my hairy legs definitely spoil the effect. I turn away from the mirror and look through Mum’s drawers for a pair of tights. I’ve never worn tights before and I put a massive tear in the first pair, trying to get them on. I’m more careful the second time and manage to get the tights onto my legs without any damage—except now, the crotch part is hanging just above my knees. After a lot of tugging and wriggling I pull them into the right position. It feels weird, but my legs do look a lot better.

  Now for a top. Mum doesn’t go much for flowery feminine clothes. She dresses like a man most of the time, but that’s not going to help me look like a woman. The best thing I can find is a white blouse with tiny blue flowers. The buttons do up the wrong way, so it takes me a while to get it on. It doesn’t look too bad … but there’s still something not quite right. But what?

  Then I see the lacy black bra on the floor by the bed.

  No way!

  But if I want this to work …

  It takes me an age to get the stupid thing on, because it does up at the back. In the end I take it off, fasten it and then pull it on over my head. It has to be the most uncomfortable thing I’ve ever worn. The lace itches and the straps cut into my shoulders. I don’t know how Mum does it. I stuff the bra with the ripped tights and some socks, then check the effect. It looks like I’m trying to smuggle potatoes down my top. I need something less lumpy.

  The only thing I can find is a huge jar of lavender bath salts that must have belonged to Nanna. I fill two socks with them, fold over the ends and slip them into the bra cups. The effect is actually quite realistic, except one is noticeably larger than the other. I even them out and try again. It’ll have to do. I smell quite … flowery as well now
, which can’t be a bad thing.

  I take Mum’s black puffa jacket from the cupboard and put that on. It might look a bit odd in this weather, but it puts another layer between the public and my bath-salt boobs. I try to squeeze my feet into Mum’s long boots, but they’re miles too small. I’ll have to make do with trainers. I get the feeling people won’t be looking at my feet anyway.

  I check the final effect in the mirror. It’s definitely better with the sunglasses on. They’re huge and hide most of my face. Luckily, I don’t really have to shave yet and with the wig and the sunglasses, plus a good smear of Vampire’s Kiss, I almost look like a woman. But will almost be enough?

  It has to be. All we had to eat yesterday was one Mars bar each. It feels like someone is sticking knives into my gut and it’s swollen up like a balloon. At least I’ll have Jay with me—that will make it look more believable. Most people give Jay all their attention anyway; they probably won’t even notice me.

  Jay falls off the settee when I walk into the front room, then bursts out laughing.’ You look like Mum!’ he says, rolling about on the floor.

  That’s good. If Jay thinks I look like Mum … this might just work.

  ‘We need to go into town,’ I tell him.

  ‘Why?’

  ‘To get some money out, so we can buy some food.’

  ‘And some Pokémon cards,’ says Jay. ‘You promised!’

  ‘Yeah. I know.’

  ‘But why are you dressed up like Mum?’

  ‘Because Mum hasn’t got time to go to the bank, and they won’t give the money to me. Mum said I could pretend to be her and get some out. So you need to help me, OK?’

  Jay chews his lip.

  ‘You know, back-up, like Shaggy and Scoob on a secret mission.’

  ‘Partners,’ says Jay, grinning.

  ‘Exactly.’

  I slip the letter under Nelly’s door on the way out. There’s no way my disguise would fool her X-ray vision from close range.

  The moment we step outside, into the glare of the sun and the roar of the traffic, I freeze. I couldn’t feel more exposed if I was naked. I stop at the bottom of the steps, fighting the impulse to bolt back inside and forget the whole stupid scheme.

  ‘Nelly’s coming,’ says Jay, glancing back up at the Heights.

  I grab his hand and start walking. Nelly calls after us, but I pretend not to hear.

  There’s no money for bus fare so we have to walk all the way into town. I keep my head down, not looking at anybody. Jay’s telling me about the episode of Scooby-Doo he watched this morning, blabbering on like normal. It helps. After a while I start to relax. I can do this. It’s just like pretending to be Dad on the radio, I just have to get into character and believe.

  I see the first kid from school as we cut down a side road towards the high street. A group of them, in Hardacre Comp uniform, sauntering down the pavement ahead of us. It must be midday—lunchtime. I didn’t realize it was so late. This is all I need. What if someone recognizes me?

  Then I catch sight of myself in a shop window. It’s a shock, but a good one. I don’t look anything like me! I move closer to the window. The dark glasses really work: you can’t see my face, and with the wig and everything, I look like a woman.

  We wait at the crossing opposite the flower shop, Jay watching for the green man. It’s busy, lots of people out on their lunch breaks, munching sandwiches, talking into mobile phones. I’m vaguely aware of kids in school uniform on the opposite pavement, waiting to cross, but I’m deliberately not looking at them.

  Finally the traffic stops and the green man flashes up.

  ‘Come on.’ I glance down at Jay. He’s waving to someone across the road.

  I look across at the crowd of people, and see Mina on the opposite pavement. She’s smiling and waving to Jay.

  I realize I’ve forgotten one crucial fact: I might be unrecognizable, but Jay isn’t.

  It’s too late to run, Mina is already crossing towards us.

  ‘All right, mate!’ She smiles and ruffles Jay’s hair, then turns to me.

  Her eyes boggle. ‘Laurence?’

  Jay laughs. ‘He looks like Mum!’

  Mina’s hand shoots up to cover her mouth, then she leans forward and peers at me. ‘It is you!’ She laughs, then stops herself. ‘What you doing? I mean, it’s great—bit of an Eddie Izzard thing, yeah? Fair play to you—most blokes wouldn’t have the nerve.’

  I don’t know what she’s talking about.

  ‘You’re not gay, are you?’ she whispers. ‘Not that it matters. I mean that’s fine by me, I just … well …’ For once Mina seems lost for words.

  ‘No. I’m not gay.’

  ‘We’re going to the bank,’ says Jay in a loud voice. ‘They’ll only give the money to Mum, but she’s not here, so Laurence has got to dress up like her and pretend. I’ve got to be back-up, like Scooby.’

  This is why I’m not letting him go to school.

  ‘What? Now I’m confused.’ Mina frowns and shakes her head. ‘Right! We need to talk. Come on, I’ll buy you a cup of tea.’

  ‘We need to go to the bank.’

  ‘Dressed like that? Are you planning to rob it?’ She raises an eyebrow. ‘You’ve got time for a cuppa, come on.’

  ‘I haven’t got any money.’

  ‘I told you. I’m paying. So come on.’ Mina links her arm through mine.

  ‘Where are we going?’ says Jay.

  ‘To the café.’

  ‘Brilliant!’ says Jay. ‘I’m starving. We haven’t had anything to eat for days!’

  I wonder if I can gag him.

  It’s torture in the café. We’re surrounded by food: the smell of it, the sound of it sizzling and spitting in the kitchen, there are even pictures of it on the walls. My stomach groans in awe.

  ‘Right, what do you want?’ says Mina, pulling out her purse.

  ‘Just a tea, thanks.’

  ‘I thought you hadn’t eaten for days?’

  ‘He exaggerates,’ I lie.

  ‘No I don’t!’

  ‘Bacon butty?’ says Mina. ‘The Triple’s good. Egg, bacon, and sausage. Want one of those, Jay?’

  ‘I want chips and beans,’ says Jay.

  ‘Just a drink, Jay,’ I hiss.

  Mina turns to the woman behind the counter. ‘Two Triples and a plate of chips with beans please.’ She turns back to Jay. ‘What do you want to drink, mate?’

  ‘Coke!’

  ‘Please.’ I give him a nudge.

  ‘Please,’ says Jay, scowling at me.

  ‘Tea? La … Lauren?’ says Mina, a grin flickering in her eyes.

  I nod.

  ‘I’ll bring them over.’ The woman behind the counter gives me a funny look.

  As we cross the café towards a table in the far corner, I can feel people watching us. There’s a group of mechanics in oily blue overalls at one of the tables. The oldest one of the group, overweight and balding, winks at me as we pass.

  Mina thinks it’s hilarious. Her shoulders are still shaking when we sit down, and there are tears running down her cheeks. It’s hot in here; I’m sweating and the wig is itching like mad. I unzip Mum’s jacket—too scared to take it off completely.

  Mina’s eye’s pop. ‘You’ve got boobs!’

  I shrug. ‘Bath salts. They aren’t half uncomfortable.’ I rub my shoulders where the bra strap is digging in.

  ‘Now you know what we have to put up with.’ Mina smiles. ‘So tell me again—why are you dressed like that?’

  And there it is: the Million Dollar Question.

  I could tell her the truth … about everything, but I still don’t know if I can trust her. She’s looking at me from across the table, it’s that same look from the other night in the park, when she asked me why I ran off.

  I’m saved by the arrival of the food. Jay cheers and claps his hands when the woman puts the plate of chips and beans in front of him. He drowns the lot in tomato sauce and starts shovelling them down as
though he hasn’t eaten for days—which of course he hasn’t.

  I smile at Mina. ‘Thanks. It’s really kind of you … you know … to buy all this.’

  She shrugs. ‘It’s what mates do, right?’

  I nod and take a bite of the sandwich. Paradise unfolds in my mouth—soft white bread and butter, salty bacon and spicy sausage. Grease and egg juices run down my fingers and for a moment I can’t speak.

  ‘Told you they were good.’ Mina smiles, then her face goes serious again. ‘You still haven’t answered my question. What’s going on, Laurence? You’ve not been at school all week and the last time I saw you, you were sitting in a ditch. Today you’re dressed up like a woman. Now, either you really are barking, or there’s a good reason for all this.’

  ‘He’s not barking,’ says Jay, through a mouthful of chips. ‘He’s Shaggy, I’m Scooby!’

  Mina looks at him. ‘OK, I give in, you’re both mad. I’m eating dinner with the Loony Brothers!’

  ‘You’re the loony, not us!’ says Jay, frowning.

  Mina laughs. ‘Is that right? I’m not the one dressed up with bath salts down my bra!’

  ‘I told you!’ says Jay. ‘We need to get some money so we can buy food. We’ve run out and Mum isn’t here.’ He pauses, fork poised in mid-air, spilling a trail of baked beans onto the table.

  I could jump in now and stop him. Shut him up before he tells Mina everything. But I don’t want to. I want her to know. I can’t carry the weight of the secret on my own any more. So I take another bite of my sandwich and let Jay talk.

  ‘Laurence has got to pretend to be Mum so they’ll give him the money,’ says Jay, licking tomato sauce from his fingers.

  Mina looks at me across the top of her mug. ‘Are you serious?’

  I shrug.

  ‘No offence, Laurence, but do you really think people in the bank are going to believe you’re a woman, dressed like that?’

  ‘It’s the building society actually.’

  Mina snorts. ‘Well, unless they employ blind people in there, it’s still not going to work. You look like a bad drag act!’

  ‘Well what else was I supposed to do?’ It comes out louder than I intended.